This past summer, I did the unthinkable - or at least what I previously believed to be unthinkable. I lived with five other girls. In a three bed apartment. And shared one room among three people.
I think I was inwardly cranky about the whole idea at first, but it quickly grew on me. It was comforting to be surrounded by lots of people, even if it meant sinkfuls of dishes on occasion or empty bags of potato chips laying out on the coffee table for weeks.
Now that I live by myself, I have to learn to live with myself. With.
It's a funny thing to spend time with yourself, by yourself, for an extended period of time. Past the point where it's fun or relaxing. It's a solemn place to be.
I crashed on my futon after work today while some sitcom droned on in the background. When I woke up, it was about an hour or so until it would be my normal bedtime. I didn't get up and just laid there, thinking a little.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think all that much. Reflecting on myself, my character, behavior, habits, goals, isn't always an easy or pleasant task to endure. It takes, for me, a mighty level of brainpower to reflect on things in a productive, meaningful, fruitful fashion - in a way that elicits change. For me, the the purpose of reflection is change.
Looking back, I see it was a lot easier not to be as reflective while constantly being surrounded by people. Some people can swing it - I'm the type that actually needs physical space and seclusion. I like being surrounded by friends, and I want to go back to that kind of environment. But if my current living situation is any indication, I think there's something I am needing to gain from being alone. What is it? I don't know exactly. Maybe more thinking, changing, and thinking, changing. I feel a shift in the winds. It's a new season.
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an unreliably sporadic account of the search for my first job as a newspaper reporter. the shorter the lifespan of this blog, the easier. the longer, the more interesting.
About Me
- Eunice
- California
- writer. questioner. observer. listener. note-taker. thinker.
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4 comments:
WOW!! you lived with five other girls!??! insane!
:)
i agree with ya. it's hard for me to reflect on things when i'm surrounded by people. i think the only time i can truly reflect on myself is when i have plenty of time while everyone else is away at work/school. oh, i miss it...
do you think some kind of change is due in the near future? i mean, besides the changes you already went through, in order to adjust to your barstow working life..
i've had very similar experiences while living alone in athens for weeks at a time.
yeah i was only an hour away from friends and family, but even that was too much to bear. one of the main reasons i chose to be a lawyer was so that i could live almost anywhere i want, whereas with cheme, i'm A LOT more restricted in where i could live. also another reason why i wanted to go to uga for law school instead of something out of state. it's hard starting over and doing it by yourself. as much as i dislike people generally, it's hard to not need some sort of company.
is there a church you fit well into? do you hang out with your co-workers? met any cool neighbors? are there social organizations around barstow? be proactive! =)
@ heej: I don't know what specifically might be in store as far as change...but I think it will be more inward, rather than external factors.
@ hj: I have found a pretty good church, although it's a very different church scene than I'm used to (basically everyone's older, like my parents' age, and white). I'm getting along there, little by little.
I hang out with one of my co-workers once in a while, haven't really met any neighbors, and haven't looked too much into any organizations - although that's a good suggestion. Maybe I'll join the dirt bike club or the ATV association. Heh.
it is hard being by yourself and thinking... hurts my brain. but it's good for the soul every once in a while :)
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